Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Small Things

There comes a point with being unemployed when you begin to doubt your abilities. You doubt you have the skills you know for certain you once did. You wonder if you will be able to complete tasks set to you if ever you find work again.

Maybe it is easier to stay indoors, stay a hermit inside the darkened walls of the room in which you now live. When it is needed, to go out among the normal people, but for the most part it might be best just to hide.

I have gained a terrible amount of weight over these past months. There have been stretches of time - days - where I have spoken to no one, or said only a polite please-and-thank-you to store clerks. Usually I have no vocal conversations with anyone who doesn't have a cash register at hand. It takes such effort to go outside. I have become terrified I will do something wrong and "get in trouble", like a little kid wanting only to stay in her bedroom and play with her toys or read her storybooks.

Yes, I do look for jobs. I do apply, and send in my resume, and I do follow up and things. But it is more and more a battle against anxiety, paranoia, depression, isolation... not to the crazy-lady point, no. Not to the point that anyone would ever notice unless they already knew me quite well. It is a battle to remain a part of society, even if on the fringe right now, when it would be so much easier to fade away.

(But when I do go out, and I do smile at the world around me, I do feel wonderful.)

1 comment:

  1. I know how you feel, the money gets tight and the walls seem to close in. You feel like a failure.

    3 years ago I was making 65K a year, had a house and then lost everything. So yes, I know. The good news is that you do have friends and they will be there...even if you don't know who they are.

    Keep your head up, it does get better.